rants

Sanctimonious Fools

I have two regular drives down some great wee rural roads in S Hants, ferrying kid #1 to and from boyfriend's house, and kid #2 to and from football.

Both are interrupted half way by villages, one a 30mph limit and the other a 40mph.

Whilst I happily admit to driving 'rather briskly' in the NSL zones, gleefully causing moral outrage amongst the peasants, I genuinely respect and adhere to 30s and 40s, often suffering abuse and tailgating for daring to not exceed these.

So WHY THE FUCK have I been subjected in the last year to dozens of idiots (usually old codgers) gesturing at me with walking sticks, patting some invisible labrador on the head, and/or mouthing "slow down" like that twat on the Yop advert, as I negotiate these villages ? Even the Shed is tolerably quiet at 30 in 3rd or 40 in 4th, but it happens in the MX5 as well.

More to the point, who appointed these sanctimonious cunts as enforcers of local speed limits, particularly as I recognise at least two of them as twats who drive everywhere at 45mph regardless of the speed limit?

I even stopped and spoke to one who leant out between several cars parked illegally outside the church, on a bend, half on the footpath and waved frantically enough at me to make me think a wheel had fallen off.

When asked what the problem was, he informed me that I "was driving far too fast". Eh ? You what ? I was doing 30 in a 40 limit because it wasn't safe to go any faster due to the cars (including his) parked illegally and causing a hazard. His

response ? "Oh, I thought you were doing more than that". Cunt.

Where is this going to end ?

Cunts marching up and down the main street with red flags ?

Hyundai Getzs trundling around at 20mph as rolling roadblocks ?

Secret Granny Squads deploying stingers ?

My advice if greeted by one of these cretins ?

Do what I do now, smile, wave, 'meep meep' your horn, change down two gears and nail it.

The Horror Of The Nurburgring Car Park

The Nurburgring, on a public day, is a great experience. In theory, you buy a ticket, drive as fast as you like, survive without crashing your car and then it's back to the car park for a coffee and a chat with your mates.

In reality, all of this is true until you get to the car park. It is a well known fact that the car park does not have enough capacity and is in dire need of re-developing to cope with the ever increasing demands on it.

Things could go a lot more smoothly if people avoid the following behaviours.

The first thing that really fucks me off is the practice of 'reserving' parking spaces. You have no right to do this and I will happily drive over whatever object you have decided to reserve your space with. If it is going to damage my car, I will chuck it in the ditch before parking in 'your' space.

If you are a biker and have come across in a van, once you have unloaded, please park your van across the roundabout in the grassy car park. That will leave more space for fellow track users.

Anyone with a trailer. Fuck off to a proper track day where at least you can rent a pit garage so you can at least look like a professional racer.

People who block up the roundabout during closures. Are you fucking stupid? The track is usually closed because of a crash . While you are sat on the roundabout like a cunt , some poor biker is waiting for an ambulance to remove the GT3 that has, inadvertantly, been wedged up his arse. Ambulances need roads to get to places and you have blocked one of these up because you can't be arsed to park somewhere and go for a coffee.

Bikers. Please use the bike park or at least share car spaces. It really pisses me off when you see a full space taken up by one bike and then see exactly the same, two spaces down.

There are some lovely places literally 30 seconds drive from the car park. Why do people insist on having a BBQ lunch in the car park? I suppose you just can't beat a Bratty covered in exhaust fumes and brake dust.

People who take up two spaces. Why? You are prepared to take your P&J on the most dangerous race track in the world with at best, questionable, insurance but you will not risk someone brushing one of your panels with a car door. WTF is that all about?

Zakspeed. I watched Pimp My Ride UK the other day (Tim Westwood is a twat). They managed to fit a telly and DVD player into a Fiat Panda. Why the fuck do you need a bus? If you need to sit down to talk to someone, take them for a coffee, you tight cunts. (Very nice Viper though. If I am offered a free lap, I will withdraw this statement).

Posers and Ferrari drivers. Please fuck off and park somewhere else. You can leave your birds though. We like to look at their arses.

The car park with the Grune Holle is one way. You go in at the entrance nearest the roundabout and leave by the one nearest the track. It is not fucking difficult and, if everyone could get their head round this, it would make things run a lot more smoothly.

If things are very tight and you end up blocking someone in, STAY BY YOUR FUCKING CAR! You might not be intending to go anywhere but the poor cunt you have blocked in may have other plans.

If you see anyone doing any of these things, walk up to them and shout 'CUNT!'. If you do any of them yourself, please reconsider as someone who has read this site might come up and shout 'CUNT!' at you.

Spazzers